[ and he is - well, more like 10-15 minutes, because he still manages to fret a bit in his room before getting the nerve to deal with this. derek had been onething (one slightly awful thing), but at least derek knew he'd been a werewolf before.
daphne, not so much. but he looks mostly resolved when he finds her in the gardens (which was easy, of course, because he can smell her - speaking of awful things). mostly. there might be a bit of anxiety slipping in there. ]
... hi.
[ he could say more, but he figures it'll just be interrupted when she gets a whiff of what he's been told is the worst werewolf b.o. ever. ]
[She's actually in a tree, and she sees him first, and waves, and is coming down when-
Okay so technically she can't actually fall out of a tree. It's impossible. There are gifts, they are natural, they just activate, like some stupid superpower.
But it's a close thing. She lands on her feet and there's a hiss - no really, a hiss, mouth open and teeth and everything but then she covers her mouth with her hands and there's a look of horror on her face.]
No. Oh no. No, what happened, Josh, do I have to go beat the crap out of that Hale kid?
[ it's an automatic response to tense up, take the hiss and the teeth as a challenge (and what the hell, when did he ever start thinking of anything as a challenge).
but then she's horrified, and then she's talking, and- ]
What?
[ hale kid. oh. oh wait, no, that's not good. ]
No! No, it wasn't - I went home. It wasn't anybody on the ship. Look, it's fine, really.
[ except it's not, because he doesn't know how to deal with it this time. she doesn't need to know that. ]
[ the pity is - he doesn't mind it on his behalf. it's not embarrassing or degrading or anything, but for her to feel upset for him when she doesn't know all the facts, doesn't know that he's been lying to her, that doesn't feel right.
he hesitates, closing his eyes for a second to concentrate on his thoughts and what he's about to say. then his attention's back on her, and his voice is only slightly hesitant and entirely apologetic. ]
It's not the first time. I was a- I was already a wolf once. Before you met me.
[ it's a weak explanation, and the chagrined face he makes afterwards says he knows it. ]
I was human. I never lied to you. I just didn't-
[ tell her everything? skirted very cleanly around the truth? the next part isn't quite as heartfelt as it could be, partly because it's half being said to keep her calm, but he does mean it. she'd opened up to him, he should've returned the favor. ]
I did. I mean, I do - I mean we're married now, but she's not here, but - she's a wolf. I didn't lie about that, either.
[ he hesitates, but then he finally lowers his hand slightly, takes a step forward. carefully. even if she's got it under control, she's still growling and he's heard what she's capable of. ]
It was - [ he's not doing so well with the words, and it takes another second for him to get anywhere. ]
I was ashamed. The cure was... messy. It's not something I really like to broadcast.
[ and he means that; he sounds ashamed while he's talking about it, even if there's a slight edge of anger there. at himself, maybe. but she's right. he owes her a few secrets to balance the scale. ]
I told you that I've killed vampires. Do you think that's the clean side of me?
[Maybe he can hear the hurt. It's hard to broadcast it - her pride gets in the way, and her pride is attached to her rage. If he can hear it, he better not announce it.]
[ he can hear it, but his reaction isn't quite what it should be. because nobody here really knows him, knows what he's done, and now she's here trying to hold that against him (not what she means, but there's that anger like a needle in the back of his neck; it's making a mess of any real sympathy). ]
You've killed vampires.
[ he flashes a smile, but it's a false one, amused at his own expense. ]
I've killed vampires. I've torn them apart and I've eaten them, and I've killed people - I bashed a man's skull in with a rock, and then I cut his head off, and I burned a room full of - they were innocent people who didn't even know they'd been turned into monsters yet. I don't even have a clean side anymore.
[ he stops himself, but it's obviously a bit late for that. his expression's gone dark, closed off. ]
Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that make it easier for you, hearing that I'm a monster too?
[ too. he's got a weirdly black and white view of the world, considering the fact that he lives in the grey. monsters are monsters; weretigers count. ]
[She turns, then, and slams him into the ground. It's not a hand on his chest, but a paw, and her face is changing, too; it's still humanoid, she can still speak, but it looks like she came out of an extremely high-end production of Cats, except instead of looking cute and stupid, there is something dangerous, there.]
What I wanted to hear from you was the truth, when that is all I offered to you.
And I am not a monster-
[Her teeth are huge - huge - but she hasn't torn out his throat]
I gave you a piece of me and you hid yours because you're ashamed of something that I have been my whole life-
[Her claws are drawing blood, a little, but she's not digging in.]
[ he's on the ground before he can really react, but his hands come up quickly, one on her shoulder and one on her neck - it's bizarre, being able to feel the shift beneath the skin, the shape of the body changing beneath his grip. he's not trying to choke her; it's just a defensive maneuver, trying to push her back, keep the fangs from his throat.
he can feel the claws in his chest, and it should hurt. it should make him scared, probably; same for the teeth so close to his face. all it does is make him angry, make the wolf rattle the bars of its cage, and even if he doesn't have fangs he's baring his teeth right back. ]
You don't get it. Turning into an animal doesn't make you a monster. The wolf doesn't have anything to do with it. I did those things.
[ but that's too much talking for the circumstances, with her weight on him and her fangs that sharp. there's also the wolf, and it feels like it's scratching at his skin; clamoring against his skull and telling him to fight back.
which is stupid, because he can't. it's also stupid because this is daphne, and he doesn't want to fight her. ]
Get off.
[ it's assertive, but the truth is he's begging, because this feels like the moment before the shift. skin crawling and fingertips bleeding, but none of that's real. it's not time to turn, but he doesn't even know if those rules apply anymore and he's terrified of finding out whether or not he's right. ]
[The cat is infinitely less concerned with dominance than wolves are. The tiger inside - except it's not, she doesn't differentiate them like that, it's not her and the tiger, its her instincts and her logic that she distinguishes is more concerned with pride.
And maybe the hurt, the hurt that she trusted him and he didn't trust her back, but what is this, she thinks? Bad karma. Loss of faith. Why should he trust her when she does this in response?
She can smell his fear and that makes her want to bite, but she doesn't. She pushes off and tries to take control of her shift, to bite back the edges of her rage. It's hard. Rage is hard. She's back up the tree in a moment, just like a cat, the pride making her haughtier than usual, to mask the pain.]
Don't think that killing humans makes you less human. Don't think it makes a side less clean.
[She's been there. She's faced that, too.]
I just want you to be honest with me.
[She isn't judging him for the things he's done to others. The shift back from Sotko isn't quick or easy, but they're alone in this corner of the gardens so she's not in any hurry. Up in the three more of her body is on display, but she doesn't seem embarrassed]
[ he hesitates for a second before pushing himself up on his elbows, one hand instinctively going to touch his chest, the small traces of blood. but he's fine, and she's backing off, and then she's heading up the tree, and-
this is really, really weird. it also occurs to him that he snapped. he shouldn't have said any of that, and it's like being in that rundown kitchen taunting ray. he feels like an asshole; he also feels satisfied, glad he hit a mark. the second reaction disgusts him, and he pushes it down while he pushes to his feet, takes to cautiously dusting off his arms and jeans while his eyes don't stray from the tree. ]
I'm sorry.
[ what he wants to say is he disagrees, thinks all of those things make him nothing close to human, but he's already pushed that button once today. ]
I should have trusted you.
[ he's not sure if now's the time, but a distraction doesn't seem like a bad thing. his voice is gentle despite the direct question, aware that it might be a bit too personal. ]
[She looks down at him, and eases back onto the tree, relaxes. The shift back comes slowly, her paws and ears, her eyes, the stretch of her limbs, the tail. The last thing to change is the color of her, the fur of her, until finally she's back to Daphne again.]
Probably. I'm not spreading your secrets, Josh. You're the only one on board I can talk to.
[She doesn't say that her privacy is the most important thing to her, that when she told him those things, she gave him a slice of that privacy to guard, that it's not about her shifting but things like she doesn't keep a boyfriend, things that are about her.
But then something occurs to her.]
Hurt? Wait, are you saying it hurts you when you shift? Every time?
[ the only one she can talk to. there's some guilt in that, because she's not necessarily the only one he can talk to - though he tends to talk out of necessity, and the other wolves were the most logical choice for that.
but now he knows, and he feels like an ass, and he needs to fix it. he's about to say something else that's apologetic (and mean it), but she speaks again before he gets the chance. ]
Yes. It's called a curse for a reason, right?
[ there's an attempt at humor there, but he's clearly not amused. ]
[ her concern earns a sympathetic smile, but this isn't really new territory for him; most of the shifters he's met on the ship didn't have it very rough on the transformation front.
her question isn't one he's heard before, though, and he's caught slightly off-guard, but the answer is easy. ]
Nora. My wife. And- a few others.
[ not all intentional, not all good memories, but it does give him a second's pause. ]
Purebreds seem to have it easier. Or it hurts and they like it anyway, they're kind of... intense.
[ he's slightly disturbed by the thought, and it's obvious in his expression and careful wording. it seems a bit more diplomatic than calling them creepy and insane. but daphne's fretting, and she definitely doesn't owe him that after the crap he pulled. ]
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... sure. Where?
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to action tadaaaaaaa
[ and he is - well, more like 10-15 minutes, because he still manages to fret a bit in his room before getting the nerve to deal with this. derek had been onething (one slightly awful thing), but at least derek knew he'd been a werewolf before.
daphne, not so much. but he looks mostly resolved when he finds her in the gardens (which was easy, of course, because he can smell her - speaking of awful things). mostly. there might be a bit of anxiety slipping in there. ]
... hi.
[ he could say more, but he figures it'll just be interrupted when she gets a whiff of what he's been told is the worst werewolf b.o. ever. ]
baby ;;
Okay so technically she can't actually fall out of a tree. It's impossible. There are gifts, they are natural, they just activate, like some stupid superpower.
But it's a close thing. She lands on her feet and there's a hiss - no really, a hiss, mouth open and teeth and everything but then she covers her mouth with her hands and there's a look of horror on her face.]
No. Oh no. No, what happened, Josh, do I have to go beat the crap out of that Hale kid?
daphneeeee
but then she's horrified, and then she's talking, and- ]
What?
[ hale kid. oh. oh wait, no, that's not good. ]
No! No, it wasn't - I went home. It wasn't anybody on the ship. Look, it's fine, really.
[ except it's not, because he doesn't know how to deal with it this time. she doesn't need to know that. ]
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She takes in a breath]
Man, at least you smell better than-
[The werewolves back home who practically smell like they sleep in piles of eau d'wet dog.]
You're not lying just to cover it up for him, are you? Because trust me, I can take him and he's not worth it.
[She looks a little sad.]
It's not really fine. Josh, I'm so sorry.
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he hesitates, closing his eyes for a second to concentrate on his thoughts and what he's about to say. then his attention's back on her, and his voice is only slightly hesitant and entirely apologetic. ]
It's not the first time. I was a- I was already a wolf once. Before you met me.
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Excuse me?
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I was a wolf. But when I met you, I was human. I'd - the ship sent me home, and I found a cure.
[ "found". he's speaking steadily, one hand out in a placating gesture as if he's ready to run. he's not going to, it's just instincts. ]
I went home again last jump.
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You found a cure.
Why didn't you tell me?
[Her voice doesn't scream danger. She is working very hard to stay very calm.]
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[ it's a weak explanation, and the chagrined face he makes afterwards says he knows it. ]
I was human. I never lied to you. I just didn't-
[ tell her everything? skirted very cleanly around the truth? the next part isn't quite as heartfelt as it could be, partly because it's half being said to keep her calm, but he does mean it. she'd opened up to him, he should've returned the favor. ]
I'm sorry.
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[There's a slight growl, but she finally looks away. She's not going to eat your face, Josh. She's more than her instincts.]
You smelled funny because of it and I let you off with you have a girlfriend who is a werewolf.
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[ he hesitates, but then he finally lowers his hand slightly, takes a step forward. carefully. even if she's got it under control, she's still growling and he's heard what she's capable of. ]
It was - [ he's not doing so well with the words, and it takes another second for him to get anywhere. ]
I was ashamed. The cure was... messy. It's not something I really like to broadcast.
[ and he means that; he sounds ashamed while he's talking about it, even if there's a slight edge of anger there. at himself, maybe. but she's right. he owes her a few secrets to balance the scale. ]
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I told you that I've killed vampires. Do you think that's the clean side of me?
[Maybe he can hear the hurt. It's hard to broadcast it - her pride gets in the way, and her pride is attached to her rage. If he can hear it, he better not announce it.]
did you order a breakdown sorry daphne
You've killed vampires.
[ he flashes a smile, but it's a false one, amused at his own expense. ]
I've killed vampires. I've torn them apart and I've eaten them, and I've killed people - I bashed a man's skull in with a rock, and then I cut his head off, and I burned a room full of - they were innocent people who didn't even know they'd been turned into monsters yet. I don't even have a clean side anymore.
[ he stops himself, but it's obviously a bit late for that. his expression's gone dark, closed off. ]
Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that make it easier for you, hearing that I'm a monster too?
[ too. he's got a weirdly black and white view of the world, considering the fact that he lives in the grey. monsters are monsters; weretigers count. ]
Josh, Josh no
What I wanted to hear from you was the truth, when that is all I offered to you.
And I am not a monster-
[Her teeth are huge - huge - but she hasn't torn out his throat]
I gave you a piece of me and you hid yours because you're ashamed of something that I have been my whole life-
[Her claws are drawing blood, a little, but she's not digging in.]
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he can feel the claws in his chest, and it should hurt. it should make him scared, probably; same for the teeth so close to his face. all it does is make him angry, make the wolf rattle the bars of its cage, and even if he doesn't have fangs he's baring his teeth right back. ]
You don't get it. Turning into an animal doesn't make you a monster. The wolf doesn't have anything to do with it. I did those things.
[ but that's too much talking for the circumstances, with her weight on him and her fangs that sharp. there's also the wolf, and it feels like it's scratching at his skin; clamoring against his skull and telling him to fight back.
which is stupid, because he can't. it's also stupid because this is daphne, and he doesn't want to fight her. ]
Get off.
[ it's assertive, but the truth is he's begging, because this feels like the moment before the shift. skin crawling and fingertips bleeding, but none of that's real. it's not time to turn, but he doesn't even know if those rules apply anymore and he's terrified of finding out whether or not he's right. ]
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And maybe the hurt, the hurt that she trusted him and he didn't trust her back, but what is this, she thinks? Bad karma. Loss of faith. Why should he trust her when she does this in response?
She can smell his fear and that makes her want to bite, but she doesn't. She pushes off and tries to take control of her shift, to bite back the edges of her rage. It's hard. Rage is hard. She's back up the tree in a moment, just like a cat, the pride making her haughtier than usual, to mask the pain.]
Don't think that killing humans makes you less human. Don't think it makes a side less clean.
[She's been there. She's faced that, too.]
I just want you to be honest with me.
[She isn't judging him for the things he's done to others. The shift back from Sotko isn't quick or easy, but they're alone in this corner of the gardens so she's not in any hurry. Up in the three more of her body is on display, but she doesn't seem embarrassed]
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this is really, really weird. it also occurs to him that he snapped. he shouldn't have said any of that, and it's like being in that rundown kitchen taunting ray. he feels like an asshole; he also feels satisfied, glad he hit a mark. the second reaction disgusts him, and he pushes it down while he pushes to his feet, takes to cautiously dusting off his arms and jeans while his eyes don't stray from the tree. ]
I'm sorry.
[ what he wants to say is he disagrees, thinks all of those things make him nothing close to human, but he's already pushed that button once today. ]
I should have trusted you.
[ he's not sure if now's the time, but a distraction doesn't seem like a bad thing. his voice is gentle despite the direct question, aware that it might be a bit too personal. ]
Does it hurt? When you...
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Probably. I'm not spreading your secrets, Josh. You're the only one on board I can talk to.
[She doesn't say that her privacy is the most important thing to her, that when she told him those things, she gave him a slice of that privacy to guard, that it's not about her shifting but things like she doesn't keep a boyfriend, things that are about her.
But then something occurs to her.]
Hurt? Wait, are you saying it hurts you when you shift? Every time?
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but now he knows, and he feels like an ass, and he needs to fix it. he's about to say something else that's apologetic (and mean it), but she speaks again before he gets the chance. ]
Yes. It's called a curse for a reason, right?
[ there's an attempt at humor there, but he's clearly not amused. ]
Guessing that's a no for you.
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It shouldn't hurt, Josh.
[She grips onto the tree.]
None of the garou I know have ever said anything about pain. It's not...
[A curse. Well, clearly, it is, for him. She begins to make her way down, now that she's calm again, now that he seems calm too.]
Has anyone ever gone through a shift with you?
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her question isn't one he's heard before, though, and he's caught slightly off-guard, but the answer is easy. ]
Nora. My wife. And- a few others.
[ not all intentional, not all good memories, but it does give him a second's pause. ]
Purebreds seem to have it easier. Or it hurts and they like it anyway, they're kind of... intense.
[ he's slightly disturbed by the thought, and it's obvious in his expression and careful wording. it seems a bit more diplomatic than calling them creepy and insane. but daphne's fretting, and she definitely doesn't owe him that after the crap he pulled. ]
Seriously, it's fine. You get used to it.
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help i'm laughing
Yes good
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